Its hard to believe that 8 months ago I started working as a bail bonds agent. People don't usually believe me when I tell them what I do for a living. I tell them that I appear to be too "bubble gum" for a job like this, but here I am. This is proof that the phrase "crime doesn't pay" is a load of horse shit. Crime pays my bills one bail at a time. I never thought that it would come down to me needing to vote for the candidate that has more lax crime laws. But you have to do what you have to do. This time last year I was watching my Rav 4 get hauled away by the repo man. Now I drive a 2000 Camry that I paid $2500 for. So far it's been good to me. My credit sucks and bankruptcy is in my near future, and it sucks ass when I bail someone out of jail that's less of a loser than I am.
I live with my mom, 10 chihuahuas, 2 cats, a snail, a fish, and gay man. I know what you're thinking. Who counts a snail as a pet?? I was just trying to set the scene. I moved to Jersey six years ago from Houston, TX and have been trying to get out of that house ever since. Granted, when I moved in there was 4 cats, 1 dog, my mom and 2 gay men. But in life...things change. chihuahuas multiply, relationships dissolve, and cats die. When I first moved in it was supposed to be temporary and only for a few months. 6 years later, I can't afford to move into a tent in the back yard. The dynamic of the house seems to be working for now. Sure we all have our arguments and from time to time one of us is psychotic. (Fine, I get psychotic.)
When I first moved here I was continuing my career in restaurant management. After five and a half years of getting the life sucked out of me, I decided to look for something less stressful. I wanted a job where I could have purple highlights and tattoos and whatever else I felt like. Ellis, my roommate, found me the perfect job as a receptionist at a hair salon. Benefits, free haircuts and cheap dye jobs...sign me up! Why not? I needed to get off unemployment because I knew it would kill me at tax time.
Well, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. So my friend ended up getting arrested and I helped bail him out. Next thing I know I was being offered a job. The salon was only a part time gig, and this was full time, so why not? I could be Stephanie Plum. I didn't see myself chasing down a Joe Morelli type, but I could see myself bailing his ass out of jail. Before I knew it I was up and running as the office receptionist and bail agent. The stories you hear from this job are amazing. One client was in custody and the paperwork was being filled out by his co-signers over drinks...in the parking lot of the jail. Once we got our money and paperwork signed they were arrested and brought into custody.
I'm still waiting for my big moment of action. So far it's been bailing out former employees of mine and people that I know. I'm turning into my nemesis slowly as I take on the Collections aspect of the business. The good news is that I'll get paid a percentage of the recovery fee. The bad new is that I sue people for it. My very first court appearance is on Halloween. Something tells me my costume is inappropriate to wear to court if I want to win my case.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
It's not always Sunny in Philadelphia (A Lucy Chihuahua Story)
"Don't forget her lunch box. She's going to need that in case she gets thirsty on the ride," Jose reminded Gladys. "And her pink suitcase is packed and ready by the door. I just need to find her Coach purse!"
"Jose, the only pink suitcase by the door is the one I borrowed when I went to Europe for 2 months." Gladys answered.
"Yeah, that's Lucy's."
"I didn't know you packed hers and yours together" Gladys hoped.
"I didn't" Jose said as he struggled down the stairs carrying the old fashioned luggage trunk he'd inherited from his Grandmother along with the rest of the pink suitcase set.
"Jose, we're going to Philly for one night...and you drive a Mini Cooper."
"Well," he huffed as he gasped for air after carrying his luggage down the stairs, "I thought about renting a limo for the ride down, but my Cha Cha Cha with your chihuahua class decided to go on hiatus after Mrs. Sweeny accidentally stepped on little Paco Taco putting him in a cast for 6 weeks. So that was a huge loss of income. Besides, it was a hell of a lot cheaper to get bungee cords and tie it all to the roof."
"I need a cigarette." Gladys said as she dumped her purse out on the floor and searched her belongings for them. She'd been trying to quit, but she ended up chewing Nicorette 6 at a time. Luckily she'd found a Canadian website where she could order it by the gross at a reduced cost. Every once in a while she fell off the wagon and would smoke when things were really stressful. Lately she was down to a pack a day in addition to her Nicorette.
"Maybe you should try the patch?" Jose suggested.
Gladys pulled up her shirt sleeve to reveal 3 patches on her arm. A cardiologist was going to make a lot of money off of her someday.
Lucy came prancing down the stairs and ran out the front door and jumped into her car seat. She was ready. Her daddy had gotten her a part on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" as a stray dog the gang finds outside the bar. Frank decides to use her to pick up women at the park, but it ends up that her beauty attracts only men. Men who love little dogs. She was so excited to be making her television debut. First Philly, then Hollywood! Maybe she'd get to star with Papi and Chloe in a "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" movie. Of course, she'd have to play either their child or Chloe's MUCH younger sister.
The car was packed and they were ready to roll! Gladys was driving because her Daddy hated driving on long trips. Lucy didn't care as long as the got there safely. She wondered if she'd have to paw autographs. Was she going to need an agent? Maybe she should take a nap. She didn't want puffy eyes for her fans.
"I'm telling you, Jose, there's too much weight on the car. I can't even make it up the hill to the traffic light at the end of the street!" Gladys glared. If he packed like this for an overnight, what the hell would he do for a week in Vegas?
"It's fine! Stop being such a drama queen and slam on the accelerator."
"I AM! I'm going 5 MPH!!!"
"So we put the hazaard lights on if we encounter a hill. Besides, once we get on the interstate and get some momentum we'll be fine."
Lucy sighed and settled in for her nap.
They finally arrived in Philly 4 hours later. This was odd since it was usually an hour and a half trip. They'd stopped for gas 6 times and got 2 oil changes. Gladys wasn't happy. They filled up the bell cart at the hotel with their luggage and headed to their room. After dinner Jose thought it would be best to go explore the location of the shoot so they could see how far away it was. The didn't want Lucy to be late tomorrow.
After driving for 4 hours with her foot to the floor, Gladys automatically slammed the gas pedal down and darted out of the parking garage narrowly missing an oncoming taxi that for some reason was covered in feathers. Knowing that the Gayborhood wasn't too far away, nobody gave it a second thought. After getting the car under control and stopping at a stop light, Gladys was just about to light a cigarette when all of a sudden WHAM!!!!
"What the hell was that?!" Jose asked. "My mirror!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jose unrolled his window and saw on the ground a very confused bicyclist with his helmet crooked and his messenger basket empty of the groceries he'd been carrying.
"You hit my car! You hit my car?" confused, Jose looked at his car. "Yeah! You hit my car!!!! How does a dude on a bike not see a purple Mini Cooper?! You broke my mirror!" he yelled.
Lucy barked in anger at the thought of someone damaging her chariot. Clearly scared out of his mind, the guy left his groceries, climbed on his bike and attempted to make a getaway...until the wheel fell off. Then he hung his head in shame and took off at a full run into an alley.
"Want me to stop at Dunkin Donuts?" Gladys asked, knowing exactly how to calm Jose down...extra large, light a sweet and full of caffiene.
They found the location with no problem at all. It was all taped off with a security guard sitting in a booth. Feeling confident for the next morning, they headed back to the hotel for a good night's sleep.
The next morning they arrived right on time for filming. They were shooting in Love Park and Lucy would get to run around and play. Her favorite part was when all the men in pretty shirts with fabulous hair came over and adored her. She was covered in kisses and soaked it all up. After shooting she posed for pictures with the cast and watched as her Daddy swapped phone numbers with all the nice men. Lucy assumed they were agents and talent scouts. Her calendar would be filled in no time.
Everything was going great. Oh! Daddy was talking to someone else now, and what's that? She looked next to the man and saw the most handsome blonde haired puppy stallion she'd ever seen. His fur was so shiny, his eyes danced like saphires on water, and those legs! Ah Cha Cha!!!!
Hey there big boy.
Maybe he could play her love interest in "Beverly Hills Chihuahua: Lucy's story". But right as she was about to approach him Gladys took her and started heading back to the car.
Crap.
Hmmmmmmmm....no. It's not her fault. Gladys didn't know. She would therefore be saved from the destruction of shoes. Lucy looked back and caught the eye of the god-like canine. "Call me!" she barked, and threw in a wink for good measure. She knew she'd have sweet dreams tonight.
No time like the present for a nap! She snuggled into her car seat and hoped for an extra long ride home.
"Jose, the only pink suitcase by the door is the one I borrowed when I went to Europe for 2 months." Gladys answered.
"Yeah, that's Lucy's."
"I didn't know you packed hers and yours together" Gladys hoped.
"I didn't" Jose said as he struggled down the stairs carrying the old fashioned luggage trunk he'd inherited from his Grandmother along with the rest of the pink suitcase set.
"Jose, we're going to Philly for one night...and you drive a Mini Cooper."
"Well," he huffed as he gasped for air after carrying his luggage down the stairs, "I thought about renting a limo for the ride down, but my Cha Cha Cha with your chihuahua class decided to go on hiatus after Mrs. Sweeny accidentally stepped on little Paco Taco putting him in a cast for 6 weeks. So that was a huge loss of income. Besides, it was a hell of a lot cheaper to get bungee cords and tie it all to the roof."
"I need a cigarette." Gladys said as she dumped her purse out on the floor and searched her belongings for them. She'd been trying to quit, but she ended up chewing Nicorette 6 at a time. Luckily she'd found a Canadian website where she could order it by the gross at a reduced cost. Every once in a while she fell off the wagon and would smoke when things were really stressful. Lately she was down to a pack a day in addition to her Nicorette.
"Maybe you should try the patch?" Jose suggested.
Gladys pulled up her shirt sleeve to reveal 3 patches on her arm. A cardiologist was going to make a lot of money off of her someday.
Lucy came prancing down the stairs and ran out the front door and jumped into her car seat. She was ready. Her daddy had gotten her a part on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" as a stray dog the gang finds outside the bar. Frank decides to use her to pick up women at the park, but it ends up that her beauty attracts only men. Men who love little dogs. She was so excited to be making her television debut. First Philly, then Hollywood! Maybe she'd get to star with Papi and Chloe in a "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" movie. Of course, she'd have to play either their child or Chloe's MUCH younger sister.
The car was packed and they were ready to roll! Gladys was driving because her Daddy hated driving on long trips. Lucy didn't care as long as the got there safely. She wondered if she'd have to paw autographs. Was she going to need an agent? Maybe she should take a nap. She didn't want puffy eyes for her fans.
"I'm telling you, Jose, there's too much weight on the car. I can't even make it up the hill to the traffic light at the end of the street!" Gladys glared. If he packed like this for an overnight, what the hell would he do for a week in Vegas?
"It's fine! Stop being such a drama queen and slam on the accelerator."
"I AM! I'm going 5 MPH!!!"
"So we put the hazaard lights on if we encounter a hill. Besides, once we get on the interstate and get some momentum we'll be fine."
Lucy sighed and settled in for her nap.
They finally arrived in Philly 4 hours later. This was odd since it was usually an hour and a half trip. They'd stopped for gas 6 times and got 2 oil changes. Gladys wasn't happy. They filled up the bell cart at the hotel with their luggage and headed to their room. After dinner Jose thought it would be best to go explore the location of the shoot so they could see how far away it was. The didn't want Lucy to be late tomorrow.
After driving for 4 hours with her foot to the floor, Gladys automatically slammed the gas pedal down and darted out of the parking garage narrowly missing an oncoming taxi that for some reason was covered in feathers. Knowing that the Gayborhood wasn't too far away, nobody gave it a second thought. After getting the car under control and stopping at a stop light, Gladys was just about to light a cigarette when all of a sudden WHAM!!!!
"What the hell was that?!" Jose asked. "My mirror!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jose unrolled his window and saw on the ground a very confused bicyclist with his helmet crooked and his messenger basket empty of the groceries he'd been carrying.
"You hit my car! You hit my car?" confused, Jose looked at his car. "Yeah! You hit my car!!!! How does a dude on a bike not see a purple Mini Cooper?! You broke my mirror!" he yelled.
Lucy barked in anger at the thought of someone damaging her chariot. Clearly scared out of his mind, the guy left his groceries, climbed on his bike and attempted to make a getaway...until the wheel fell off. Then he hung his head in shame and took off at a full run into an alley.
"Want me to stop at Dunkin Donuts?" Gladys asked, knowing exactly how to calm Jose down...extra large, light a sweet and full of caffiene.
They found the location with no problem at all. It was all taped off with a security guard sitting in a booth. Feeling confident for the next morning, they headed back to the hotel for a good night's sleep.
The next morning they arrived right on time for filming. They were shooting in Love Park and Lucy would get to run around and play. Her favorite part was when all the men in pretty shirts with fabulous hair came over and adored her. She was covered in kisses and soaked it all up. After shooting she posed for pictures with the cast and watched as her Daddy swapped phone numbers with all the nice men. Lucy assumed they were agents and talent scouts. Her calendar would be filled in no time.
Everything was going great. Oh! Daddy was talking to someone else now, and what's that? She looked next to the man and saw the most handsome blonde haired puppy stallion she'd ever seen. His fur was so shiny, his eyes danced like saphires on water, and those legs! Ah Cha Cha!!!!
Hey there big boy.
Maybe he could play her love interest in "Beverly Hills Chihuahua: Lucy's story". But right as she was about to approach him Gladys took her and started heading back to the car.
Crap.
Hmmmmmmmm....no. It's not her fault. Gladys didn't know. She would therefore be saved from the destruction of shoes. Lucy looked back and caught the eye of the god-like canine. "Call me!" she barked, and threw in a wink for good measure. She knew she'd have sweet dreams tonight.
No time like the present for a nap! She snuggled into her car seat and hoped for an extra long ride home.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Jewel of the Nile (a Lucy Chihuahua Story)
Lucy looked at herself in the mirror and grunted her disapproval. She knew she was gorgeous. She was adored by everyone. Her facebook page was up to 563 friends and counting, but she now had her Puppy Tweet. Twitter was next on her list to conquer. Still, she wasn't feeling quite like her normal, stunning self. She could use a trim, and her nails! (GASP!) She couldn't even look at them! They were a disgrace to her breed! She needed a trip to the spa ASAP!
She rolled around on the carpet until her hair stood up on end, took a deep breath and rolled around in the dirty clothes on the floor and decided she still needed one more thing to complete her plan. She looked at her paws and realized that one of her precious nails needed to be broken. She closed her eyes and chomped on the tiny one just enough to make it sharp, but not enough to cause major, unfixable damage.
She took another look in the mirror...perfect!
She dropped her head, put on her puppy eyes and dramatically walked into the living room. She sat on Jose's lap and gave a pathetic sigh.
"Lucy! Oh, my poor baby! You look sad. Do you want Daddy to give you belly kisses?" Jose crooned over her then picked her up to snuggle. As he lifted her to him, she strategically grazed her jagged nail on his arm being careful not to cut him, but just enough for a light scratch to make her much needed manicure noticeable.
"Ouch! Someones got a broken nail. Let me see...oh my! Your nails are positively terrible, and my darling, you smell like a gym bag. You're going to the groomers immediately!"
Hehehehehe. Her plan worked perfectly.
"Lucy, the first appointment they have is at 3, so Ethel will take you. I wish I could bring you, but Daddy has his Drag Queen Samba class to teach. Don't worry, you'll be in good hands. Ethel may be a little out there, but she has a good head on her shoulders."
Right before her appointment Lucy did her best to fix her fur and ripped open a box of dryer sheets to roll around in to hide the smell of dirty laundry. She waited patiently by the door for Ethel to arrive and bring her for her spa day. When she finally arrived, Lucy noticed that Ethel was dressed somewhat low-key in her hot pink track suit that she had bedazzled and silver 4" glittery heels. Oooooo! Sparkly!! Lucy likey!!
When they got the groomer Lucy ran to the back and picked her favorite bath area, climbed in and waited for the pampering to begin. Yay!! Pretty fur! Pretty nails! She hoped her Daddy had chosen a great perfume for her and a pretty nail polish. She was partial to Cherry Bomb red nails and CoCo Chanel perfume.
"Bye Lucy! Have fun! I'll be back soon. I think I'm going to get my hair and nails done too. We're going to look so cute!" Ethel called as she blew kisses and flittered out the door.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Lucy thought to herself. She loved Ethel but that chic was cutting in on her relaxation time.
Wait.
Did she say "We"? "We're going to look so cute"? Oh well, must be her new hairstyle she's getting. Maybe she picked out a cute bow for Lucy to wear too that matched Ethel's hot pink track suit.
A few hours later Lucy was bathed, polished, coiffed, and spritzed. Daddy had sprung for something new this time. She must have really laid it on thick this morning. Maybe it was a deep conditioning treatment? She got to sit all wrapped up in a special coat under a warm dryer for it. She looked down at her nails and noticed they were a bazaar shade of green, but they had sparkles on them, so she didn't mind.
She proudly pranced to the reception desk to meet Ethel and smiled as everyone told her how beautiful and adorable she was. She even posed for pictures from other pet owners. She knew she looked cute, but that deep conditioning treatment must've REALLY made a difference. The attention level was up at least 60%.
She saw Ethel and was a bit confused. She looked rather eccentric and almost Egyptian-like. She'd traded in her long red hair for a blunt, jet-black shoulder length cut and extreme bangs. Her makeup was black eyeliner that winged out at the sides and bright red lipstick. Her eyeshadow was a sky blue. The stranger part was her outfit. She was wearing something that looked like a sheet wrapped tightly around her body with a gold belt and gold high heeled flip flops.
"Come here little tiger! You look so beautiful!" Ethel screamed in delight.
Tiger? That froot loop had her confused with her cat AGAIN.
Ugh.
Moments later they had arrived back at the dance studio. Lucy perked up her ears to show off to Daddy, Cher and Gladys. "Ta Da!" Ethel announced as they walked inside.
Silence.
"Hello??? Don't we look cute??!" she asked.
Jose and Cher stared with open mouths. Gladys reached for the Nicorette and popped an entire sheet in her mouth. Lucy was starting to worry. Everyone had loved her at the groomers! Was it the nail polish? Did she not smell pretty? It wasn't CoCo Chanel. Instead it was some kind of musk.
"What did you do???!!!!!" Jose asked.
"She's the Jewel of the Nile! Look at her nails! Aren't they fabulous?" Ethel squealed.
"Ethel? You turned Lucy...a chihuahua...into a TIGER!!!!!!"
Tiger? Tiger! TIGER!!!!!!!
Lucy jumped out of Ethel's arms and ran into the ballroom to look in the mirrors.
Oh. My. Papi.
That was no conditioning treatment. She'd been cut and dyed and now had no ear fluff. Her beautiful black and brown fur was now orange and black tiger striped! She'd been turned into a cat. A friggin CAT! She tried to calm herself unsuccessfully. Maybe if she tried hard enough she could pull this off? She attempted to roar but all the came out was something that sounded like a howl coming from a dying chicken.
She walked back into the main room and found Ethel's sparkly tap shoes. She debated. She really wanted to chew them up, but if she did she'd not only be choking up glitter but pooping it out for months.
Hmmmmmmm...
"Lucy!! NOOOOOOOOO!!" Ethel screamed as Lucy proudly pooped like the royal Jewel of the Nile that she was. Glittery dogs poop on glittery items.
She rolled around on the carpet until her hair stood up on end, took a deep breath and rolled around in the dirty clothes on the floor and decided she still needed one more thing to complete her plan. She looked at her paws and realized that one of her precious nails needed to be broken. She closed her eyes and chomped on the tiny one just enough to make it sharp, but not enough to cause major, unfixable damage.
She took another look in the mirror...perfect!
She dropped her head, put on her puppy eyes and dramatically walked into the living room. She sat on Jose's lap and gave a pathetic sigh.
"Lucy! Oh, my poor baby! You look sad. Do you want Daddy to give you belly kisses?" Jose crooned over her then picked her up to snuggle. As he lifted her to him, she strategically grazed her jagged nail on his arm being careful not to cut him, but just enough for a light scratch to make her much needed manicure noticeable.
"Ouch! Someones got a broken nail. Let me see...oh my! Your nails are positively terrible, and my darling, you smell like a gym bag. You're going to the groomers immediately!"
Hehehehehe. Her plan worked perfectly.
"Lucy, the first appointment they have is at 3, so Ethel will take you. I wish I could bring you, but Daddy has his Drag Queen Samba class to teach. Don't worry, you'll be in good hands. Ethel may be a little out there, but she has a good head on her shoulders."
Right before her appointment Lucy did her best to fix her fur and ripped open a box of dryer sheets to roll around in to hide the smell of dirty laundry. She waited patiently by the door for Ethel to arrive and bring her for her spa day. When she finally arrived, Lucy noticed that Ethel was dressed somewhat low-key in her hot pink track suit that she had bedazzled and silver 4" glittery heels. Oooooo! Sparkly!! Lucy likey!!
When they got the groomer Lucy ran to the back and picked her favorite bath area, climbed in and waited for the pampering to begin. Yay!! Pretty fur! Pretty nails! She hoped her Daddy had chosen a great perfume for her and a pretty nail polish. She was partial to Cherry Bomb red nails and CoCo Chanel perfume.
"Bye Lucy! Have fun! I'll be back soon. I think I'm going to get my hair and nails done too. We're going to look so cute!" Ethel called as she blew kisses and flittered out the door.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Lucy thought to herself. She loved Ethel but that chic was cutting in on her relaxation time.
Wait.
Did she say "We"? "We're going to look so cute"? Oh well, must be her new hairstyle she's getting. Maybe she picked out a cute bow for Lucy to wear too that matched Ethel's hot pink track suit.
A few hours later Lucy was bathed, polished, coiffed, and spritzed. Daddy had sprung for something new this time. She must have really laid it on thick this morning. Maybe it was a deep conditioning treatment? She got to sit all wrapped up in a special coat under a warm dryer for it. She looked down at her nails and noticed they were a bazaar shade of green, but they had sparkles on them, so she didn't mind.
She proudly pranced to the reception desk to meet Ethel and smiled as everyone told her how beautiful and adorable she was. She even posed for pictures from other pet owners. She knew she looked cute, but that deep conditioning treatment must've REALLY made a difference. The attention level was up at least 60%.
She saw Ethel and was a bit confused. She looked rather eccentric and almost Egyptian-like. She'd traded in her long red hair for a blunt, jet-black shoulder length cut and extreme bangs. Her makeup was black eyeliner that winged out at the sides and bright red lipstick. Her eyeshadow was a sky blue. The stranger part was her outfit. She was wearing something that looked like a sheet wrapped tightly around her body with a gold belt and gold high heeled flip flops.
"Come here little tiger! You look so beautiful!" Ethel screamed in delight.
Tiger? That froot loop had her confused with her cat AGAIN.
Ugh.
Moments later they had arrived back at the dance studio. Lucy perked up her ears to show off to Daddy, Cher and Gladys. "Ta Da!" Ethel announced as they walked inside.
Silence.
"Hello??? Don't we look cute??!" she asked.
Jose and Cher stared with open mouths. Gladys reached for the Nicorette and popped an entire sheet in her mouth. Lucy was starting to worry. Everyone had loved her at the groomers! Was it the nail polish? Did she not smell pretty? It wasn't CoCo Chanel. Instead it was some kind of musk.
"What did you do???!!!!!" Jose asked.
"She's the Jewel of the Nile! Look at her nails! Aren't they fabulous?" Ethel squealed.
"Ethel? You turned Lucy...a chihuahua...into a TIGER!!!!!!"
Tiger? Tiger! TIGER!!!!!!!
Lucy jumped out of Ethel's arms and ran into the ballroom to look in the mirrors.
Oh. My. Papi.
That was no conditioning treatment. She'd been cut and dyed and now had no ear fluff. Her beautiful black and brown fur was now orange and black tiger striped! She'd been turned into a cat. A friggin CAT! She tried to calm herself unsuccessfully. Maybe if she tried hard enough she could pull this off? She attempted to roar but all the came out was something that sounded like a howl coming from a dying chicken.
She walked back into the main room and found Ethel's sparkly tap shoes. She debated. She really wanted to chew them up, but if she did she'd not only be choking up glitter but pooping it out for months.
Hmmmmmmm...
"Lucy!! NOOOOOOOOO!!" Ethel screamed as Lucy proudly pooped like the royal Jewel of the Nile that she was. Glittery dogs poop on glittery items.
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