Its hard to believe that 8 months ago I started working as a bail bonds agent. People don't usually believe me when I tell them what I do for a living. I tell them that I appear to be too "bubble gum" for a job like this, but here I am. This is proof that the phrase "crime doesn't pay" is a load of horse shit. Crime pays my bills one bail at a time. I never thought that it would come down to me needing to vote for the candidate that has more lax crime laws. But you have to do what you have to do. This time last year I was watching my Rav 4 get hauled away by the repo man. Now I drive a 2000 Camry that I paid $2500 for. So far it's been good to me. My credit sucks and bankruptcy is in my near future, and it sucks ass when I bail someone out of jail that's less of a loser than I am.
I live with my mom, 10 chihuahuas, 2 cats, a snail, a fish, and gay man. I know what you're thinking. Who counts a snail as a pet?? I was just trying to set the scene. I moved to Jersey six years ago from Houston, TX and have been trying to get out of that house ever since. Granted, when I moved in there was 4 cats, 1 dog, my mom and 2 gay men. But in life...things change. chihuahuas multiply, relationships dissolve, and cats die. When I first moved in it was supposed to be temporary and only for a few months. 6 years later, I can't afford to move into a tent in the back yard. The dynamic of the house seems to be working for now. Sure we all have our arguments and from time to time one of us is psychotic. (Fine, I get psychotic.)
When I first moved here I was continuing my career in restaurant management. After five and a half years of getting the life sucked out of me, I decided to look for something less stressful. I wanted a job where I could have purple highlights and tattoos and whatever else I felt like. Ellis, my roommate, found me the perfect job as a receptionist at a hair salon. Benefits, free haircuts and cheap dye jobs...sign me up! Why not? I needed to get off unemployment because I knew it would kill me at tax time.
Well, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. So my friend ended up getting arrested and I helped bail him out. Next thing I know I was being offered a job. The salon was only a part time gig, and this was full time, so why not? I could be Stephanie Plum. I didn't see myself chasing down a Joe Morelli type, but I could see myself bailing his ass out of jail. Before I knew it I was up and running as the office receptionist and bail agent. The stories you hear from this job are amazing. One client was in custody and the paperwork was being filled out by his co-signers over drinks...in the parking lot of the jail. Once we got our money and paperwork signed they were arrested and brought into custody.
I'm still waiting for my big moment of action. So far it's been bailing out former employees of mine and people that I know. I'm turning into my nemesis slowly as I take on the Collections aspect of the business. The good news is that I'll get paid a percentage of the recovery fee. The bad new is that I sue people for it. My very first court appearance is on Halloween. Something tells me my costume is inappropriate to wear to court if I want to win my case.
