Old and Boring

Last night I was self reflecting...UGH. Next month I will turn 37 and I was thinking back to when I was younger and had so much energy and so much FUN and was HAPPY!!! Now, that grace period from teenager to young adult has passed and I'm in full blown adulthood and it SUCKS. I have no desire to do ANYTHING. Nothing. I used to love baking and dancing and even exercising! Now, I think about doing those things and the following thoughts cross my mind: "Ugh." "Too much sweat involved." "The clean up is a bitch." I will be that old lady that is fat and lazy and has a permanent scowl on her face. I can feel it coming on already. And I'm more miserable than I am happy. Maybe I need to drink more.

$2,113.58

$2,113.58 That is an actual number reflecting my "income" from working at JC Penney for the year 2012. Yes. I work there very part time. However, nothing depresses me more than realizing that I wasted a ton of my year for $2,113.58. Would you accept a job that paid you $2,113.58 per year? That's $40 per week...before taxes. After taxes...$32 per week. Things I can do to make more than $32 per week: clip coupons, mow someone's lawn, shovel a driveway, wait on 1 table consisting of 6 adults and Denny's, cash in loose change, return used games to Best Buy, sell 3 scarves that took me a total of 4 hours to make, sell my blood, drive to NYS and return cans for recycling...do you see where I'm going with this. Most importantly...things I can do for more than $40 per week BEFORE taxes...WRITE ONE BAIL! One. Time to seriously consider the time I spend working for a company ranked as the most hated in the country that has done nothing but take away from their staff.

Sometime you look back and say, "DAMN! That was a close one!"

In my line of business you don't really get a full background of your clients. If you ran a full background check on every call, you'd never bail anyone out of jail. Now, we run our prospective clients on the New Jersey Dept. of Corrections website, but that only shows people within the last year. Sometimes we run a Google search and sometimes you're out of the office and get a call and just have to hope for the best. Last month I bailed a guy out in the middle of the night on a Contempt of Court charge from 3 years prior. He failed to make his time payments as set up by the court. His grandmother was the one bailing him out and told me repeatedly that he's a nice boy and has never really gotten into trouble. After 3 hours of waiting for him to get released and doing his Defendant paperwork he told me that he just got out of State Prison where he'd been for the last 3 years. Thus, the missed time payments. Well, all clients have to check in once a week whether it be on the phone or in person. Due to his small bail, he only had to call in. Its not unusual for first timers to forget they have to call in. So my co-worker called him to remind him. His father answered the phone and said that his son was back in jail in Passaic County. Standard procedure when a client is in custody again is to call the jail and get the details of the bail and the charges. So I called over to the County Jail to verify the bail. He's being held on $1 million Cash Only bail on charges of: Murder, Attempted Murder, Possession of a weapon, Unlawful possession of a weapon, Possession of a weapon-person not allowed to have a weapon (need I go on?) Yup. He's a good boy. He's never really gotten into trouble. Thanks Grandma! Fast Forward: $5,000 bail for possession of drugs. No history in the past year on NJ Dept of Corrections. Google search? Aggravated assault on his wife, kidnapping his daughter which led to a manhunt and, oh yeah, he and his friend shot a cop. Luckily, the officer didn't die!! So....DAMN! That was a close one!

Well, 2013...we seem to be off on the wrong foot!

Like most people I was ready and willing to embrace 2013 with open arms. In return, I have so far been greeted by a dirty armpit. It all started on New Year's Eve. What would normally be a 5.5-6 hour drive from visiting my family in Upstate New York turned into 9 hours of hell. Thankfully it wasn't a snowy day because, as I learned on the drive up in a snow storm, I don't have tires that are suitable for snow. The first 15 miles were me following my mother as she drove 57 MPH on the 65 MPH highway. We stopped for lunch to meet her friends were I listed to one of them bitch about my father and tell me how much I am like him. Obviously, I responded with a smile and a very, VERY proud "Thank you". I held back from saying, "Bless your heart!" 9 hours later, we are literally 4 miles from our exit and 5 miles from our house, my mother needs to stop for gas. What? WHY??!!!! NOW??????!!!!!!! At that point I lost it and left her in the dust. I arrived home to find a ton of food and awesome New Year's decorations and the house ready for our own little New Year's party! It was so great! We played games and did karaoke and watched the ball drop! I went to bed...and it all went down hill from there. I was on call New Year's Day and took a few calls. Set up a few bails and then my morals kicked in. I got a call on a big bail, but recognized the name. It was a previous call and it wasn't my bail technically. So I did the right thing as passed it on the agent it belonged to. The other two calls were set up for the following day with the premise of "Call me when you're ready and we'll set it all up for you." Wednesday morning: (ring ring) "Miss Tania. You're bail is here are you on your way in?" Ummmmm....WHAT? NO! I'm naked in the bathroom from just getting out of the shower! Shit. "I'll be right there." Insert every red light along the way, slow drivers, and literally, a little old lady crossing the road with a walker...as the light turns green. Well, I managed to get that bail taken care of with minimal issues. Of course, I forgot something in the van and had to go back out through security at the court house, then back in through security. Oh yeah, and I forgot to fill out how much the bail was on the bond. (Whoopsie.) I called my other bail that was set up but they had no mode of transportation and would call me back when they found a ride. (Fast forward two days and the guy has a NO BAIL detainer pop up out of Pennsylvania. Guess who's not getting out of jail anytime soon?) Now, for the past week and a half I have been working on a big bail. This has been a nightmare. Short version: I got into a disagreement with the Prosecutor after he insulted me and made me cry. Then find out the family is all a bunch of liars. We pull the plug on the bail and I get yelled at, again, by the defendant's uncle. I hung up on him. I've been trying to pay my car payment for a month now and the money won't draft from my account. They close my internet access to their website due to 3 insufficient funds. Ummmm. WHAT???? The money had been sitting there! Let me get this straight. You have my phone number, my email address and my physical address but you never once felt compelled to tell me that you are unable to draft my account due to an ERROR!!!!????? So, one late fee and $8.55 later, the money was wired to them and will be for the next 12 months because that is how long I am forbidden to make an online payment with them due to 3 unsuccessful attempts to draft my account. Oh! And I got the letter from them TODAY saying they can't draft my account due to an error. Yeah. Thanks. Got it. Glad I can pick up the phone and call you to discuss this cuz you sure as hell can't seem to do it for me! Now...let's talk about Bail Source Inquiries. A bail source inquiry is required for certain charges in the state of New Jersey. This means I have to fill out an 8 page form about the defendant, the co-signer for the bond and where the money came from to pay for the bond. In 2012 I have filled out probably 3. In 2013...I have filled out one already, my co-worker has filled out one already, I have another one to be done on Monday, and there's another one pending on another call. So you fill this out, the client signs it, then it gets delivered to the Prosecutor to review. Once it gets delivered, the Prosecutor has 72 BUSINESS HOURS to approve or deny it. If they deny it, you have to go to court for the approval and plead your case before the judge. So yesterday, due to the past 2 weeks of holidays and sentencing at the court house, I had to kindly tell 2 clients to "sit tight" for the weekend and maybe I can get you out on Monday. Like THAT'S something you want to hear. Did I mention the basement in the office is flooded? Again? So here I sit on a Saturday afternoon with the plumber. Wow, what a long post for only 4 days worth of activity! I'll try to KISS next time (Keep it simple, stupid).

I am Stephanie Plum

Its hard to believe that 8 months ago I started working as a bail bonds agent. People don't usually believe me when I tell them what I do for a living. I tell them that I appear to be too "bubble gum" for a job like this, but here I am. This is proof that the phrase "crime doesn't pay" is a load of horse shit. Crime pays my bills one bail at a time. I never thought that it would come down to me needing to vote for the candidate that has more lax crime laws. But you have to do what you have to do. This time last year I was watching my Rav 4 get hauled away by the repo man. Now I drive a 2000 Camry that I paid $2500 for. So far it's been good to me. My credit sucks and bankruptcy is in my near future, and it sucks ass when I bail someone out of jail that's less of a loser than I am.

I live with my mom, 10 chihuahuas, 2 cats, a snail, a fish, and gay man. I know what you're thinking. Who counts a snail as a pet?? I was just trying to set the scene. I moved to Jersey six years ago from Houston, TX and have been trying to get out of that house ever since. Granted, when I moved in there was 4 cats, 1 dog, my mom and 2 gay men. But in life...things change. chihuahuas multiply, relationships dissolve, and cats die. When I first moved in it was supposed to be temporary and only for a few months. 6 years later, I can't afford to move into a tent in the back yard. The dynamic of the house seems to be working for now. Sure we all have our arguments and from time to time one of us is psychotic. (Fine, I get psychotic.)

When I first moved here I was continuing my career in restaurant management. After five and a half years of getting the life sucked out of me, I decided to look for something less stressful. I wanted a job where I could have purple highlights and tattoos and whatever else I felt like. Ellis, my roommate, found me the perfect job as a receptionist at a hair salon. Benefits, free haircuts and cheap dye jobs...sign me up! Why not? I needed to get off unemployment because I knew it would kill me at tax time.

Well, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. So my friend ended up getting arrested and I helped bail him out. Next thing I know I was being offered a job. The salon was only a part time gig, and this was full time, so why not? I could be Stephanie Plum. I didn't see myself chasing down a Joe Morelli type, but I could see myself bailing his ass out of jail. Before I knew it I was up and running as the office receptionist and bail agent. The stories you hear from this job are amazing. One client was in custody and the paperwork was being filled out by his co-signers over drinks...in the parking lot of the jail. Once we got our money and paperwork signed they were arrested and brought into custody.

I'm still waiting for my big moment of action. So far it's been bailing out former employees of mine and people that I know. I'm turning into my nemesis slowly as I take on the Collections aspect of the business. The good news is that I'll get paid a percentage of the recovery fee. The bad new is that I sue people for it. My very first court appearance is on Halloween. Something tells me my costume is inappropriate to wear to court if I want to win my case.

It's not always Sunny in Philadelphia (A Lucy Chihuahua Story)

"Don't forget her lunch box. She's going to need that in case she gets thirsty on the ride," Jose reminded Gladys. "And her pink suitcase is packed and ready by the door. I just need to find her Coach purse!"

"Jose, the only pink suitcase by the door is the one I borrowed when I went to Europe for 2 months." Gladys answered.

"Yeah, that's Lucy's."

"I didn't know you packed hers and yours together" Gladys hoped.

"I didn't" Jose said as he struggled down the stairs carrying the old fashioned luggage trunk he'd inherited from his Grandmother along with the rest of the pink suitcase set.

"Jose, we're going to Philly for one night...and you drive a Mini Cooper."

"Well," he huffed as he gasped for air after carrying his luggage down the stairs, "I thought about renting a limo for the ride down, but my Cha Cha Cha with your chihuahua class decided to go on hiatus after Mrs. Sweeny accidentally stepped on little Paco Taco putting him in a cast for 6 weeks. So that was a huge loss of income. Besides, it was a hell of a lot cheaper to get bungee cords and tie it all to the roof."

"I need a cigarette." Gladys said as she dumped her purse out on the floor and searched her belongings for them. She'd been trying to quit, but she ended up chewing Nicorette 6 at a time. Luckily she'd found a Canadian website where she could order it by the gross at a reduced cost. Every once in a while she fell off the wagon and would smoke when things were really stressful. Lately she was down to a pack a day in addition to her Nicorette.

"Maybe you should try the patch?" Jose suggested.

Gladys pulled up her shirt sleeve to reveal 3 patches on her arm. A cardiologist was going to make a lot of money off of her someday.

Lucy came prancing down the stairs and ran out the front door and jumped into her car seat. She was ready. Her daddy had gotten her a part on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" as a stray dog the gang finds outside the bar. Frank decides to use her to pick up women at the park, but it ends up that her beauty attracts only men. Men who love little dogs. She was so excited to be making her television debut. First Philly, then Hollywood! Maybe she'd get to star with Papi and Chloe in a "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" movie. Of course, she'd have to play either their child or Chloe's MUCH younger sister.

The car was packed and they were ready to roll! Gladys was driving because her Daddy hated driving on long trips. Lucy didn't care as long as the got there safely. She wondered if she'd have to paw autographs. Was she going to need an agent? Maybe she should take a nap. She didn't want puffy eyes for her fans.

"I'm telling you, Jose, there's too much weight on the car. I can't even make it up the hill to the traffic light at the end of the street!" Gladys glared. If he packed like this for an overnight, what the hell would he do for a week in Vegas?

"It's fine! Stop being such a drama queen and slam on the accelerator."

"I AM! I'm going 5 MPH!!!"

"So we put the hazaard lights on if we encounter a hill. Besides, once we get on the interstate and get some momentum we'll be fine."

Lucy sighed and settled in for her nap.

They finally arrived in Philly 4 hours later. This was odd since it was usually an hour and a half trip. They'd stopped for gas 6 times and got 2 oil changes. Gladys wasn't happy. They filled up the bell cart at the hotel with their luggage and headed to their room. After dinner Jose thought it would be best to go explore the location of the shoot so they could see how far away it was. The didn't want Lucy to be late tomorrow.

After driving for 4 hours with her foot to the floor, Gladys automatically slammed the gas pedal down and darted out of the parking garage narrowly missing an oncoming taxi that for some reason was covered in feathers. Knowing that the Gayborhood wasn't too far away, nobody gave it a second thought. After getting the car under control and stopping at a stop light, Gladys was just about to light a cigarette when all of a sudden WHAM!!!!

"What the hell was that?!" Jose asked. "My mirror!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jose unrolled his window and saw on the ground a very confused bicyclist with his helmet crooked and his messenger basket empty of the groceries he'd been carrying.

"You hit my car! You hit my car?" confused, Jose looked at his car. "Yeah! You hit my car!!!! How does a dude on a bike not see a purple Mini Cooper?! You broke my mirror!" he yelled.

Lucy barked in anger at the thought of someone damaging her chariot. Clearly scared out of his mind, the guy left his groceries, climbed on his bike and attempted to make a getaway...until the wheel fell off. Then he hung his head in shame and took off at a full run into an alley.

"Want me to stop at Dunkin Donuts?" Gladys asked, knowing exactly how to calm Jose down...extra large, light a sweet and full of caffiene.

They found the location with no problem at all. It was all taped off with a security guard sitting in a booth. Feeling confident for the next morning, they headed back to the hotel for a good night's sleep.

The next morning they arrived right on time for filming. They were shooting in Love Park and Lucy would get to run around and play. Her favorite part was when all the men in pretty shirts with fabulous hair came over and adored her. She was covered in kisses and soaked it all up. After shooting she posed for pictures with the cast and watched as her Daddy swapped phone numbers with all the nice men. Lucy assumed they were agents and talent scouts. Her calendar would be filled in no time.

Everything was going great. Oh! Daddy was talking to someone else now, and what's that? She looked next to the man and saw the most handsome blonde haired puppy stallion she'd ever seen. His fur was so shiny, his eyes danced like saphires on water, and those legs! Ah Cha Cha!!!!

Hey there big boy.

Maybe he could play her love interest in "Beverly Hills Chihuahua: Lucy's story". But right as she was about to approach him Gladys took her and started heading back to the car.

Crap.

Hmmmmmmmm....no. It's not her fault. Gladys didn't know. She would therefore be saved from the destruction of shoes. Lucy looked back and caught the eye of the god-like canine. "Call me!" she barked, and threw in a wink for good measure. She knew she'd have sweet dreams tonight.

No time like the present for a nap! She snuggled into her car seat and hoped for an extra long ride home.

Jewel of the Nile (a Lucy Chihuahua Story)

Lucy looked at herself in the mirror and grunted her disapproval. She knew she was gorgeous. She was adored by everyone. Her facebook page was up to 563 friends and counting, but she now had her Puppy Tweet. Twitter was next on her list to conquer. Still, she wasn't feeling quite like her normal, stunning self. She could use a trim, and her nails! (GASP!) She couldn't even look at them! They were a disgrace to her breed! She needed a trip to the spa ASAP!

She rolled around on the carpet until her hair stood up on end, took a deep breath and rolled around in the dirty clothes on the floor and decided she still needed one more thing to complete her plan. She looked at her paws and realized that one of her precious nails needed to be broken. She closed her eyes and chomped on the tiny one just enough to make it sharp, but not enough to cause major, unfixable damage.

She took another look in the mirror...perfect!

She dropped her head, put on her puppy eyes and dramatically walked into the living room. She sat on Jose's lap and gave a pathetic sigh.

"Lucy! Oh, my poor baby! You look sad. Do you want Daddy to give you belly kisses?" Jose crooned over her then picked her up to snuggle. As he lifted her to him, she strategically grazed her jagged nail on his arm being careful not to cut him, but just enough for a light scratch to make her much needed manicure noticeable.

"Ouch! Someones got a broken nail. Let me see...oh my! Your nails are positively terrible, and my darling, you smell like a gym bag. You're going to the groomers immediately!"

Hehehehehe. Her plan worked perfectly.

"Lucy, the first appointment they have is at 3, so Ethel will take you. I wish I could bring you, but Daddy has his Drag Queen Samba class to teach. Don't worry, you'll be in good hands. Ethel may be a little out there, but she has a good head on her shoulders."

Right before her appointment Lucy did her best to fix her fur and ripped open a box of dryer sheets to roll around in to hide the smell of dirty laundry. She waited patiently by the door for Ethel to arrive and bring her for her spa day. When she finally arrived, Lucy noticed that Ethel was dressed somewhat low-key in her hot pink track suit that she had bedazzled and silver 4" glittery heels. Oooooo! Sparkly!! Lucy likey!!

When they got the groomer Lucy ran to the back and picked her favorite bath area, climbed in and waited for the pampering to begin. Yay!! Pretty fur! Pretty nails! She hoped her Daddy had chosen a great perfume for her and a pretty nail polish. She was partial to Cherry Bomb red nails and CoCo Chanel perfume.

"Bye Lucy! Have fun! I'll be back soon. I think I'm going to get my hair and nails done too. We're going to look so cute!" Ethel called as she blew kisses and flittered out the door.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Lucy thought to herself. She loved Ethel but that chic was cutting in on her relaxation time.

Wait.

Did she say "We"? "We're going to look so cute"? Oh well, must be her new hairstyle she's getting. Maybe she picked out a cute bow for Lucy to wear too that matched Ethel's hot pink track suit.

A few hours later Lucy was bathed, polished, coiffed, and spritzed. Daddy had sprung for something new this time. She must have really laid it on thick this morning. Maybe it was a deep conditioning treatment? She got to sit all wrapped up in a special coat under a warm dryer for it. She looked down at her nails and noticed they were a bazaar shade of green, but they had sparkles on them, so she didn't mind.

She proudly pranced to the reception desk to meet Ethel and smiled as everyone told her how beautiful and adorable she was. She even posed for pictures from other pet owners. She knew she looked cute, but that deep conditioning treatment must've REALLY made a difference. The attention level was up at least 60%.

She saw Ethel and was a bit confused. She looked rather eccentric and almost Egyptian-like. She'd traded in her long red hair for a blunt, jet-black shoulder length cut and extreme bangs. Her makeup was black eyeliner that winged out at the sides and bright red lipstick. Her eyeshadow was a sky blue. The stranger part was her outfit. She was wearing something that looked like a sheet wrapped tightly around her body with a gold belt and gold high heeled flip flops.

"Come here little tiger! You look so beautiful!" Ethel screamed in delight.

Tiger? That froot loop had her confused with her cat AGAIN.

Ugh.

Moments later they had arrived back at the dance studio. Lucy perked up her ears to show off to Daddy, Cher and Gladys. "Ta Da!" Ethel announced as they walked inside.

Silence.

"Hello??? Don't we look cute??!" she asked.

Jose and Cher stared with open mouths. Gladys reached for the Nicorette and popped an entire sheet in her mouth. Lucy was starting to worry. Everyone had loved her at the groomers! Was it the nail polish? Did she not smell pretty? It wasn't CoCo Chanel. Instead it was some kind of musk.

"What did you do???!!!!!" Jose asked.
"She's the Jewel of the Nile! Look at her nails! Aren't they fabulous?" Ethel squealed.
"Ethel? You turned Lucy...a chihuahua...into a TIGER!!!!!!"

Tiger? Tiger! TIGER!!!!!!!

Lucy jumped out of Ethel's arms and ran into the ballroom to look in the mirrors.

Oh. My. Papi.

That was no conditioning treatment. She'd been cut and dyed and now had no ear fluff. Her beautiful black and brown fur was now orange and black tiger striped! She'd been turned into a cat. A friggin CAT! She tried to calm herself unsuccessfully. Maybe if she tried hard enough she could pull this off? She attempted to roar but all the came out was something that sounded like a howl coming from a dying chicken.

She walked back into the main room and found Ethel's sparkly tap shoes. She debated. She really wanted to chew them up, but if she did she'd not only be choking up glitter but pooping it out for months.

Hmmmmmmm...

"Lucy!! NOOOOOOOOO!!" Ethel screamed as Lucy proudly pooped like the royal Jewel of the Nile that she was. Glittery dogs poop on glittery items.