June 2013 hates me thus far...

It all started on Saturday, June 1. I posted 3 bails that day. Ran my butt off. It started at 1:00 am and finished that afternoon. On my way home from the jail there was an accident on the highway, so I took the long way around. Luckily, it was a nice day for a drive. June 2: reviewing my paperwork from the previous days and realized that I was missing an important piece of paper from one bail and COMPLETELY screwed up another one. As in, I wrote the bond out for $89 less than it needed to be. Shit. I called the jail to see if I could come and fix it, but they had dropped the bond and I had to wait until the morning. Ugh. June 3: Got the call that I could go to the jail and correct my mistake from Saturday. YAY!!! So off I go knowing that I am taking a loss to my pay. If I'm not in the office, I don't get paid. Figuring I would lose an hour to an hour and a half at most, I put the pedal to the floor. On my way I got a call about a new bail at that jail that was ready to go. Sweet. I fixed my bond and called the new signer. "Ready to go" meant "I need to call you back" which led to "I will be there in an hour." 12:00 they show up. I bang out my paperwork and go into the lobby at 12:20. At 2:45 they pull me into the back to write my bond and meet my client. At 3:15 they finally take my bond. 3:30, they walk us out. Just in time for traffic. At this point it's not worth it for me to go back to the office because: A. I'm miserable B. By the time I get there it's time to go home. Yes, I could stay late to make up my hours, but it's my only night off this week so I really don't want to. June 4: Arizona Liability. Nuff said Side note: If I ever go to Phoenix, I might need a bail because I have so much hatred for the way they do bail I might kill someone. In addition to it flat out being a bad day at the office. June 5: Another day, another headache. The past 2 days sucked so bad that I blocked them out. June 6: Spilled soda on myself walking out the door. Hit the curb trying to park my car. Tripped walking down the street. Shawn was out of the office so I was writing bail that day in addition to my office work. Met my client at the jail at grabbed the wrong paperwork...twice. Had a stare down with a red ant while waiting for him to be released. Went back to the office for an hour or so and went back out to do another bail. Just in time for the rain. Made it back to the office with 2 hours left in the day to finish my entire day's worth of work. June 7: Put Fraggile Rock style pig tails in my hair because I hit a point where nothing made sense in my life except the need for pigtails. Stressing about money. My boss helped out a bit for me being out of the office all day on Monday. But I'm at the point where I need every penny I can get. I assess my check for certain bills and it not being the same every week stresses me out BIG TIME. I need to write bail in ADDITION to my paycheck, not instead of. I'm not trying to sound mean, rude, unappreciative, etc. I really appreciate the extra compensation. It just needed both. But bail is a crap shoot and unpredictable. So you take what you can get. LOL. I need 2 new tires before I go see my dad next weekend, car payment is due this week, other bills need to be paid, and I still need to find the travel money for next week. UGH. June 8: Things are looking up! Got my final 2 tires on my car for a decent price! But it's pretty scary when the guys at the shop know me when I walk in the door. Thank God they're nice and not trying to screw me on the price. And I got MORE coupons!!!!! I have a hair appointment this afternoon, so I'm really hoping that goes well :) But I'm really bummed that for the third year in a row I am missing the Kenny Chesney concert. I need to make more money. STAT.

For the love of GOD someone give me a BREADSTICK!

So I decided to give up starches for Lent. Not carbs. Starches. There's no way in hell I would survive carb-free. And I would DEFINITELY end up in jail. So here I am...day 6...and I might hold up the Domino's next door for some cheesy bread. Or tackle the delivery driver as he unknowingly carries pizza to his car for delivery. This is serious, my friends. If I see a Tasty Cake truck or a Frito Lay man, things could get messy. I might tackle the driver and just smell all the delicious, greasy goodness that lingers about! Next thing you know I'll be covered in Cheese Doodle dust cowering in the corner. I keep telling myself that my Grandmother gave us smoking every year, I can give up starches. Hell, Jesus was nailed to a cross for 40 days. Starches should be easy. UGH!!!! This is killing me! I'm so WEAK!!!!

You might be a Mobster...

Ok, so NORMALLY the dynamic of our office is this: Shawn is the daytime bail agent and I am the receptionist. If for some reason Shawn is not available to write the bail, then the responsibility falls onto me. It's kind of like being 1st Runner Up in a pageant. If for some reason the winner cannot perform their duties the 1st Runner Up will assume the responsibility. Anyway, so Shawn was out of the office collecting someone who missed court, therefore it was my job to field the bail calls and such. So I walk into the office and our office manager gives me a call sheet from someone who had called earlier before I got to work. She said she hadn't made any calls on it as of yet, but the defendant gave us his mother's and his sister's phone numbers. His sister was a teacher and was at work, so I wouldn't be able to speak directly with her until her lunch break, but if I call and leave a message she will call me back. Well, since the guy had charges in 2 different counties I decided to Google him and see if any information popped up. Sure enough! As soon as a hit the "Search" button the screen was flooded with information. Not about him, but about his father who he was named after. His father who was apparently a rather well known member of the Gambino Crime Family. His father who was killed by Sammy The Bull and they never found his body. HOLY CRAP! So as I speak with the defendant, I don't tell him that I know any of this, but he tells me he owns his own company. A concrete company. (YIKES!!!) So I call his mother to see if she's willing to do the paperwork and such. Mind you, the defendant also told me that his mother is an author and writing a screen play...which was verified by Google. Mom starts talking to me, and tells me that her son is a good guy and he got messed up when he met his wife. "How can you expect to meet a nice girl in a strip club! She's Brazilian and only married him for a Green Card! They're separated now...how old are you? Are you single? You seem like a nice girl! My son...he's very shy...you tell him he needs to take you out for a nice meal! I want you to be my daughter-in-law..." HOLY CRAP! Next thing I know, my cell phone goes off. It's the sister returning my call. Now I'm freaked out. How did she get my cell phone number? I called her from the office? OMG! Am I being followed? Then the mom calls me back on my cell phone. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?? IS THAT A SNIPER ACROSS THE STREET ON THE BUILDING ROOF? Apparently, when I left the voicemail for his sister, I left my cell number instead of my office number. DUH! So anyway, I get the paperwork done and tell everyone that I just need the payment and I will go bail him out. Everyone is confused because the payment was already made. Not to me it wasn't. Little did we know, the cousin had been working with a different company who ultimately did the bail. Ok, fine. No big deal. Well midnight rolls around and my phone rings. (I'm NOT answering my phone at midnight...a number I don't know...on my weekend off.) Then it rings again. Now I'm just pissed. So I answer it with attitude. Hello!!!??? WHAT? WHO IS THIS? Its Mr. Mafia! His mother gave him my cell phone number to have him call me! Meanwhile, my email is blowing up with his mother emailing me telling me to tell him he needs to take me out to dinner! So I'm on the phone with him for an hour,(I don't know why) and he calls me AGAIN in the morning! NO. Not answering it. My co-workers want me to take one for the team because this relationship could be great for business. Me? I'm running!

Old and Boring

Last night I was self reflecting...UGH. Next month I will turn 37 and I was thinking back to when I was younger and had so much energy and so much FUN and was HAPPY!!! Now, that grace period from teenager to young adult has passed and I'm in full blown adulthood and it SUCKS. I have no desire to do ANYTHING. Nothing. I used to love baking and dancing and even exercising! Now, I think about doing those things and the following thoughts cross my mind: "Ugh." "Too much sweat involved." "The clean up is a bitch." I will be that old lady that is fat and lazy and has a permanent scowl on her face. I can feel it coming on already. And I'm more miserable than I am happy. Maybe I need to drink more.

$2,113.58

$2,113.58 That is an actual number reflecting my "income" from working at JC Penney for the year 2012. Yes. I work there very part time. However, nothing depresses me more than realizing that I wasted a ton of my year for $2,113.58. Would you accept a job that paid you $2,113.58 per year? That's $40 per week...before taxes. After taxes...$32 per week. Things I can do to make more than $32 per week: clip coupons, mow someone's lawn, shovel a driveway, wait on 1 table consisting of 6 adults and Denny's, cash in loose change, return used games to Best Buy, sell 3 scarves that took me a total of 4 hours to make, sell my blood, drive to NYS and return cans for recycling...do you see where I'm going with this. Most importantly...things I can do for more than $40 per week BEFORE taxes...WRITE ONE BAIL! One. Time to seriously consider the time I spend working for a company ranked as the most hated in the country that has done nothing but take away from their staff.

Sometime you look back and say, "DAMN! That was a close one!"

In my line of business you don't really get a full background of your clients. If you ran a full background check on every call, you'd never bail anyone out of jail. Now, we run our prospective clients on the New Jersey Dept. of Corrections website, but that only shows people within the last year. Sometimes we run a Google search and sometimes you're out of the office and get a call and just have to hope for the best. Last month I bailed a guy out in the middle of the night on a Contempt of Court charge from 3 years prior. He failed to make his time payments as set up by the court. His grandmother was the one bailing him out and told me repeatedly that he's a nice boy and has never really gotten into trouble. After 3 hours of waiting for him to get released and doing his Defendant paperwork he told me that he just got out of State Prison where he'd been for the last 3 years. Thus, the missed time payments. Well, all clients have to check in once a week whether it be on the phone or in person. Due to his small bail, he only had to call in. Its not unusual for first timers to forget they have to call in. So my co-worker called him to remind him. His father answered the phone and said that his son was back in jail in Passaic County. Standard procedure when a client is in custody again is to call the jail and get the details of the bail and the charges. So I called over to the County Jail to verify the bail. He's being held on $1 million Cash Only bail on charges of: Murder, Attempted Murder, Possession of a weapon, Unlawful possession of a weapon, Possession of a weapon-person not allowed to have a weapon (need I go on?) Yup. He's a good boy. He's never really gotten into trouble. Thanks Grandma! Fast Forward: $5,000 bail for possession of drugs. No history in the past year on NJ Dept of Corrections. Google search? Aggravated assault on his wife, kidnapping his daughter which led to a manhunt and, oh yeah, he and his friend shot a cop. Luckily, the officer didn't die!! So....DAMN! That was a close one!

Well, 2013...we seem to be off on the wrong foot!

Like most people I was ready and willing to embrace 2013 with open arms. In return, I have so far been greeted by a dirty armpit. It all started on New Year's Eve. What would normally be a 5.5-6 hour drive from visiting my family in Upstate New York turned into 9 hours of hell. Thankfully it wasn't a snowy day because, as I learned on the drive up in a snow storm, I don't have tires that are suitable for snow. The first 15 miles were me following my mother as she drove 57 MPH on the 65 MPH highway. We stopped for lunch to meet her friends were I listed to one of them bitch about my father and tell me how much I am like him. Obviously, I responded with a smile and a very, VERY proud "Thank you". I held back from saying, "Bless your heart!" 9 hours later, we are literally 4 miles from our exit and 5 miles from our house, my mother needs to stop for gas. What? WHY??!!!! NOW??????!!!!!!! At that point I lost it and left her in the dust. I arrived home to find a ton of food and awesome New Year's decorations and the house ready for our own little New Year's party! It was so great! We played games and did karaoke and watched the ball drop! I went to bed...and it all went down hill from there. I was on call New Year's Day and took a few calls. Set up a few bails and then my morals kicked in. I got a call on a big bail, but recognized the name. It was a previous call and it wasn't my bail technically. So I did the right thing as passed it on the agent it belonged to. The other two calls were set up for the following day with the premise of "Call me when you're ready and we'll set it all up for you." Wednesday morning: (ring ring) "Miss Tania. You're bail is here are you on your way in?" Ummmmm....WHAT? NO! I'm naked in the bathroom from just getting out of the shower! Shit. "I'll be right there." Insert every red light along the way, slow drivers, and literally, a little old lady crossing the road with a walker...as the light turns green. Well, I managed to get that bail taken care of with minimal issues. Of course, I forgot something in the van and had to go back out through security at the court house, then back in through security. Oh yeah, and I forgot to fill out how much the bail was on the bond. (Whoopsie.) I called my other bail that was set up but they had no mode of transportation and would call me back when they found a ride. (Fast forward two days and the guy has a NO BAIL detainer pop up out of Pennsylvania. Guess who's not getting out of jail anytime soon?) Now, for the past week and a half I have been working on a big bail. This has been a nightmare. Short version: I got into a disagreement with the Prosecutor after he insulted me and made me cry. Then find out the family is all a bunch of liars. We pull the plug on the bail and I get yelled at, again, by the defendant's uncle. I hung up on him. I've been trying to pay my car payment for a month now and the money won't draft from my account. They close my internet access to their website due to 3 insufficient funds. Ummmm. WHAT???? The money had been sitting there! Let me get this straight. You have my phone number, my email address and my physical address but you never once felt compelled to tell me that you are unable to draft my account due to an ERROR!!!!????? So, one late fee and $8.55 later, the money was wired to them and will be for the next 12 months because that is how long I am forbidden to make an online payment with them due to 3 unsuccessful attempts to draft my account. Oh! And I got the letter from them TODAY saying they can't draft my account due to an error. Yeah. Thanks. Got it. Glad I can pick up the phone and call you to discuss this cuz you sure as hell can't seem to do it for me! Now...let's talk about Bail Source Inquiries. A bail source inquiry is required for certain charges in the state of New Jersey. This means I have to fill out an 8 page form about the defendant, the co-signer for the bond and where the money came from to pay for the bond. In 2012 I have filled out probably 3. In 2013...I have filled out one already, my co-worker has filled out one already, I have another one to be done on Monday, and there's another one pending on another call. So you fill this out, the client signs it, then it gets delivered to the Prosecutor to review. Once it gets delivered, the Prosecutor has 72 BUSINESS HOURS to approve or deny it. If they deny it, you have to go to court for the approval and plead your case before the judge. So yesterday, due to the past 2 weeks of holidays and sentencing at the court house, I had to kindly tell 2 clients to "sit tight" for the weekend and maybe I can get you out on Monday. Like THAT'S something you want to hear. Did I mention the basement in the office is flooded? Again? So here I sit on a Saturday afternoon with the plumber. Wow, what a long post for only 4 days worth of activity! I'll try to KISS next time (Keep it simple, stupid).

I am Stephanie Plum

Its hard to believe that 8 months ago I started working as a bail bonds agent. People don't usually believe me when I tell them what I do for a living. I tell them that I appear to be too "bubble gum" for a job like this, but here I am. This is proof that the phrase "crime doesn't pay" is a load of horse shit. Crime pays my bills one bail at a time. I never thought that it would come down to me needing to vote for the candidate that has more lax crime laws. But you have to do what you have to do. This time last year I was watching my Rav 4 get hauled away by the repo man. Now I drive a 2000 Camry that I paid $2500 for. So far it's been good to me. My credit sucks and bankruptcy is in my near future, and it sucks ass when I bail someone out of jail that's less of a loser than I am.

I live with my mom, 10 chihuahuas, 2 cats, a snail, a fish, and gay man. I know what you're thinking. Who counts a snail as a pet?? I was just trying to set the scene. I moved to Jersey six years ago from Houston, TX and have been trying to get out of that house ever since. Granted, when I moved in there was 4 cats, 1 dog, my mom and 2 gay men. But in life...things change. chihuahuas multiply, relationships dissolve, and cats die. When I first moved in it was supposed to be temporary and only for a few months. 6 years later, I can't afford to move into a tent in the back yard. The dynamic of the house seems to be working for now. Sure we all have our arguments and from time to time one of us is psychotic. (Fine, I get psychotic.)

When I first moved here I was continuing my career in restaurant management. After five and a half years of getting the life sucked out of me, I decided to look for something less stressful. I wanted a job where I could have purple highlights and tattoos and whatever else I felt like. Ellis, my roommate, found me the perfect job as a receptionist at a hair salon. Benefits, free haircuts and cheap dye jobs...sign me up! Why not? I needed to get off unemployment because I knew it would kill me at tax time.

Well, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. So my friend ended up getting arrested and I helped bail him out. Next thing I know I was being offered a job. The salon was only a part time gig, and this was full time, so why not? I could be Stephanie Plum. I didn't see myself chasing down a Joe Morelli type, but I could see myself bailing his ass out of jail. Before I knew it I was up and running as the office receptionist and bail agent. The stories you hear from this job are amazing. One client was in custody and the paperwork was being filled out by his co-signers over drinks...in the parking lot of the jail. Once we got our money and paperwork signed they were arrested and brought into custody.

I'm still waiting for my big moment of action. So far it's been bailing out former employees of mine and people that I know. I'm turning into my nemesis slowly as I take on the Collections aspect of the business. The good news is that I'll get paid a percentage of the recovery fee. The bad new is that I sue people for it. My very first court appearance is on Halloween. Something tells me my costume is inappropriate to wear to court if I want to win my case.

It's not always Sunny in Philadelphia (A Lucy Chihuahua Story)

"Don't forget her lunch box. She's going to need that in case she gets thirsty on the ride," Jose reminded Gladys. "And her pink suitcase is packed and ready by the door. I just need to find her Coach purse!"

"Jose, the only pink suitcase by the door is the one I borrowed when I went to Europe for 2 months." Gladys answered.

"Yeah, that's Lucy's."

"I didn't know you packed hers and yours together" Gladys hoped.

"I didn't" Jose said as he struggled down the stairs carrying the old fashioned luggage trunk he'd inherited from his Grandmother along with the rest of the pink suitcase set.

"Jose, we're going to Philly for one night...and you drive a Mini Cooper."

"Well," he huffed as he gasped for air after carrying his luggage down the stairs, "I thought about renting a limo for the ride down, but my Cha Cha Cha with your chihuahua class decided to go on hiatus after Mrs. Sweeny accidentally stepped on little Paco Taco putting him in a cast for 6 weeks. So that was a huge loss of income. Besides, it was a hell of a lot cheaper to get bungee cords and tie it all to the roof."

"I need a cigarette." Gladys said as she dumped her purse out on the floor and searched her belongings for them. She'd been trying to quit, but she ended up chewing Nicorette 6 at a time. Luckily she'd found a Canadian website where she could order it by the gross at a reduced cost. Every once in a while she fell off the wagon and would smoke when things were really stressful. Lately she was down to a pack a day in addition to her Nicorette.

"Maybe you should try the patch?" Jose suggested.

Gladys pulled up her shirt sleeve to reveal 3 patches on her arm. A cardiologist was going to make a lot of money off of her someday.

Lucy came prancing down the stairs and ran out the front door and jumped into her car seat. She was ready. Her daddy had gotten her a part on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" as a stray dog the gang finds outside the bar. Frank decides to use her to pick up women at the park, but it ends up that her beauty attracts only men. Men who love little dogs. She was so excited to be making her television debut. First Philly, then Hollywood! Maybe she'd get to star with Papi and Chloe in a "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" movie. Of course, she'd have to play either their child or Chloe's MUCH younger sister.

The car was packed and they were ready to roll! Gladys was driving because her Daddy hated driving on long trips. Lucy didn't care as long as the got there safely. She wondered if she'd have to paw autographs. Was she going to need an agent? Maybe she should take a nap. She didn't want puffy eyes for her fans.

"I'm telling you, Jose, there's too much weight on the car. I can't even make it up the hill to the traffic light at the end of the street!" Gladys glared. If he packed like this for an overnight, what the hell would he do for a week in Vegas?

"It's fine! Stop being such a drama queen and slam on the accelerator."

"I AM! I'm going 5 MPH!!!"

"So we put the hazaard lights on if we encounter a hill. Besides, once we get on the interstate and get some momentum we'll be fine."

Lucy sighed and settled in for her nap.

They finally arrived in Philly 4 hours later. This was odd since it was usually an hour and a half trip. They'd stopped for gas 6 times and got 2 oil changes. Gladys wasn't happy. They filled up the bell cart at the hotel with their luggage and headed to their room. After dinner Jose thought it would be best to go explore the location of the shoot so they could see how far away it was. The didn't want Lucy to be late tomorrow.

After driving for 4 hours with her foot to the floor, Gladys automatically slammed the gas pedal down and darted out of the parking garage narrowly missing an oncoming taxi that for some reason was covered in feathers. Knowing that the Gayborhood wasn't too far away, nobody gave it a second thought. After getting the car under control and stopping at a stop light, Gladys was just about to light a cigarette when all of a sudden WHAM!!!!

"What the hell was that?!" Jose asked. "My mirror!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jose unrolled his window and saw on the ground a very confused bicyclist with his helmet crooked and his messenger basket empty of the groceries he'd been carrying.

"You hit my car! You hit my car?" confused, Jose looked at his car. "Yeah! You hit my car!!!! How does a dude on a bike not see a purple Mini Cooper?! You broke my mirror!" he yelled.

Lucy barked in anger at the thought of someone damaging her chariot. Clearly scared out of his mind, the guy left his groceries, climbed on his bike and attempted to make a getaway...until the wheel fell off. Then he hung his head in shame and took off at a full run into an alley.

"Want me to stop at Dunkin Donuts?" Gladys asked, knowing exactly how to calm Jose down...extra large, light a sweet and full of caffiene.

They found the location with no problem at all. It was all taped off with a security guard sitting in a booth. Feeling confident for the next morning, they headed back to the hotel for a good night's sleep.

The next morning they arrived right on time for filming. They were shooting in Love Park and Lucy would get to run around and play. Her favorite part was when all the men in pretty shirts with fabulous hair came over and adored her. She was covered in kisses and soaked it all up. After shooting she posed for pictures with the cast and watched as her Daddy swapped phone numbers with all the nice men. Lucy assumed they were agents and talent scouts. Her calendar would be filled in no time.

Everything was going great. Oh! Daddy was talking to someone else now, and what's that? She looked next to the man and saw the most handsome blonde haired puppy stallion she'd ever seen. His fur was so shiny, his eyes danced like saphires on water, and those legs! Ah Cha Cha!!!!

Hey there big boy.

Maybe he could play her love interest in "Beverly Hills Chihuahua: Lucy's story". But right as she was about to approach him Gladys took her and started heading back to the car.

Crap.

Hmmmmmmmm....no. It's not her fault. Gladys didn't know. She would therefore be saved from the destruction of shoes. Lucy looked back and caught the eye of the god-like canine. "Call me!" she barked, and threw in a wink for good measure. She knew she'd have sweet dreams tonight.

No time like the present for a nap! She snuggled into her car seat and hoped for an extra long ride home.

Jewel of the Nile (a Lucy Chihuahua Story)

Lucy looked at herself in the mirror and grunted her disapproval. She knew she was gorgeous. She was adored by everyone. Her facebook page was up to 563 friends and counting, but she now had her Puppy Tweet. Twitter was next on her list to conquer. Still, she wasn't feeling quite like her normal, stunning self. She could use a trim, and her nails! (GASP!) She couldn't even look at them! They were a disgrace to her breed! She needed a trip to the spa ASAP!

She rolled around on the carpet until her hair stood up on end, took a deep breath and rolled around in the dirty clothes on the floor and decided she still needed one more thing to complete her plan. She looked at her paws and realized that one of her precious nails needed to be broken. She closed her eyes and chomped on the tiny one just enough to make it sharp, but not enough to cause major, unfixable damage.

She took another look in the mirror...perfect!

She dropped her head, put on her puppy eyes and dramatically walked into the living room. She sat on Jose's lap and gave a pathetic sigh.

"Lucy! Oh, my poor baby! You look sad. Do you want Daddy to give you belly kisses?" Jose crooned over her then picked her up to snuggle. As he lifted her to him, she strategically grazed her jagged nail on his arm being careful not to cut him, but just enough for a light scratch to make her much needed manicure noticeable.

"Ouch! Someones got a broken nail. Let me see...oh my! Your nails are positively terrible, and my darling, you smell like a gym bag. You're going to the groomers immediately!"

Hehehehehe. Her plan worked perfectly.

"Lucy, the first appointment they have is at 3, so Ethel will take you. I wish I could bring you, but Daddy has his Drag Queen Samba class to teach. Don't worry, you'll be in good hands. Ethel may be a little out there, but she has a good head on her shoulders."

Right before her appointment Lucy did her best to fix her fur and ripped open a box of dryer sheets to roll around in to hide the smell of dirty laundry. She waited patiently by the door for Ethel to arrive and bring her for her spa day. When she finally arrived, Lucy noticed that Ethel was dressed somewhat low-key in her hot pink track suit that she had bedazzled and silver 4" glittery heels. Oooooo! Sparkly!! Lucy likey!!

When they got the groomer Lucy ran to the back and picked her favorite bath area, climbed in and waited for the pampering to begin. Yay!! Pretty fur! Pretty nails! She hoped her Daddy had chosen a great perfume for her and a pretty nail polish. She was partial to Cherry Bomb red nails and CoCo Chanel perfume.

"Bye Lucy! Have fun! I'll be back soon. I think I'm going to get my hair and nails done too. We're going to look so cute!" Ethel called as she blew kisses and flittered out the door.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Lucy thought to herself. She loved Ethel but that chic was cutting in on her relaxation time.

Wait.

Did she say "We"? "We're going to look so cute"? Oh well, must be her new hairstyle she's getting. Maybe she picked out a cute bow for Lucy to wear too that matched Ethel's hot pink track suit.

A few hours later Lucy was bathed, polished, coiffed, and spritzed. Daddy had sprung for something new this time. She must have really laid it on thick this morning. Maybe it was a deep conditioning treatment? She got to sit all wrapped up in a special coat under a warm dryer for it. She looked down at her nails and noticed they were a bazaar shade of green, but they had sparkles on them, so she didn't mind.

She proudly pranced to the reception desk to meet Ethel and smiled as everyone told her how beautiful and adorable she was. She even posed for pictures from other pet owners. She knew she looked cute, but that deep conditioning treatment must've REALLY made a difference. The attention level was up at least 60%.

She saw Ethel and was a bit confused. She looked rather eccentric and almost Egyptian-like. She'd traded in her long red hair for a blunt, jet-black shoulder length cut and extreme bangs. Her makeup was black eyeliner that winged out at the sides and bright red lipstick. Her eyeshadow was a sky blue. The stranger part was her outfit. She was wearing something that looked like a sheet wrapped tightly around her body with a gold belt and gold high heeled flip flops.

"Come here little tiger! You look so beautiful!" Ethel screamed in delight.

Tiger? That froot loop had her confused with her cat AGAIN.

Ugh.

Moments later they had arrived back at the dance studio. Lucy perked up her ears to show off to Daddy, Cher and Gladys. "Ta Da!" Ethel announced as they walked inside.

Silence.

"Hello??? Don't we look cute??!" she asked.

Jose and Cher stared with open mouths. Gladys reached for the Nicorette and popped an entire sheet in her mouth. Lucy was starting to worry. Everyone had loved her at the groomers! Was it the nail polish? Did she not smell pretty? It wasn't CoCo Chanel. Instead it was some kind of musk.

"What did you do???!!!!!" Jose asked.
"She's the Jewel of the Nile! Look at her nails! Aren't they fabulous?" Ethel squealed.
"Ethel? You turned Lucy...a chihuahua...into a TIGER!!!!!!"

Tiger? Tiger! TIGER!!!!!!!

Lucy jumped out of Ethel's arms and ran into the ballroom to look in the mirrors.

Oh. My. Papi.

That was no conditioning treatment. She'd been cut and dyed and now had no ear fluff. Her beautiful black and brown fur was now orange and black tiger striped! She'd been turned into a cat. A friggin CAT! She tried to calm herself unsuccessfully. Maybe if she tried hard enough she could pull this off? She attempted to roar but all the came out was something that sounded like a howl coming from a dying chicken.

She walked back into the main room and found Ethel's sparkly tap shoes. She debated. She really wanted to chew them up, but if she did she'd not only be choking up glitter but pooping it out for months.

Hmmmmmmm...

"Lucy!! NOOOOOOOOO!!" Ethel screamed as Lucy proudly pooped like the royal Jewel of the Nile that she was. Glittery dogs poop on glittery items.

Tiaras and Tap Dancing (an introduction to Lucy Chihuahua)

After having a nice relaxing day of laying in bed and soaking in a warm bath, Lucy was getting her hair brushed and styled and perfection. She had already gone thru her closet and chosen her adorable pink coat with the white fur trim to wear today, but she was wondering if her rhinestone necklace would be a little too much with her outfit. She sat up and went thru her agenda for the day; breakfast, get adored by the people who come to dance class, lunch, nap, watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua, run some laps, dinner...Okay, no rhinestones. We'll save that for the trip to the spa.

"Lucy!!!! You look so PRETTY!!! Yes you do! Yes you do!!!! Gimmee kisses!!!" her Daddy squealed. She happily covered him in kisses and snorted her happiness as only a chihuahua could. Then she jumped off the bed, ate her kibble, made one last stop at the puppy powder room, and ran to the door. It was time to get rolling! Her public awaited.

Wanting nothing less than the best for his princess Chihuahua, her Daddy, Jose, carried her to their purple Mini Cooper, placed her in her puppy car seat and they drove to his dance studio. Jose loved his dance studio, but times were tough there. In this small town in New Jersey, it was hidden on a side road and most people only enrolled their kids in dance classes. Jose offered mostly Ballroom dance and really didn't want to teach kids. It was something he realized he might have to do soon, but in the meantime, him and his staff had come up with some new ideas. Today was one of them. Lucy was scared.

When they got to the studio, Jose unhooked Lucy from her carseat and carried her inside. She knew she looked stunning. She always did. As usual, the girls were there already and greeted her with love and affection as he placed her on her purple princess pillow on the corner of his desk.

"Lucy!!!! You're just so beautiful!!! Give Auntie Cher a kiss!" Aunt Cher was Jose's dance partner and today's class was her idea. Cher was also married to Sonny. I can't make this crap up people. She claimed it was a sign they were meant to be together forever. He's smart and didn't argue. As a former cheerleader and pageant queen, Cher is a self proclamined diva at the age of 29. She has an eye for fashion, never buys items on sale, and has so many purses from Coach and Luis Vitton that Sonny had to surrender his "Man Cave" and turn it into an accessories closet. (His Man Cave is now in the unfinished, uninsulated garage).

Recently, Cher had gone to visit her great Grandma and found out the people at the home were bored. They talked about the old days when Nana Ming would dance for the USO and how she missed it. Being a big bundle of energy and having that "you can do it" attitude, Cher decided that she would help Nana Ming get those old feelings back and have a Seniors Tap Dancing class at the studio. She argued that it would be great exercise and good for the mind, and managed to get the staff at Shady Oaks to bus over the interested residents for tap class.

Since Cher was coordinating this, and had never tapped a day in her life, Jose had to call on Ethel for help. Jose started teaching Ethel how to tap dance when she was just a kid, so she was more than happy to help out.

"They're here!" Cher called out and ran outside to help unload the bus of 90 year olds and escort them inside. Lucy thought about hiding for cover. Nothing good could come from this, but she decided she really wanted to show off her beautiful outfit and get some attention and adoration, so she stayed put. Too bad Daddy didn't get her those earmuffs. Old people can be really loud.

"Has anyone seen my tap shoes?" Ethel asked. "I can't find them!"
"They're in the box with the sticky note on them that says 'Ethel's tap shoes'." Gladys answered.
"NO! I'm looking for my pink glittery ones, not the boring black ones."
Gladys rolled her eyes and mumbled something about that airhead and her damn sparkles as she walked into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

Ethel was 34 and known for being the airhead of the group. She was always changing her look...and her job. Somedays she'd come in with purple hair, and others it would be blonde. She said that when she found the right job, she'd know it, and that jobs are like melons. You have the thump them to find a good one.

Lucy had no idea what that meant. But she liked melon. So that was good.

Gladys was the voice of reason. At 30 she was always there for you, but didn't take any crap either. She'd tell it like it was while giving you a shoulder to cry on, but she was also very stressed out. She was constantly sending letters to her Senator about "those damn fire-safe cigarettes", and anti-smoking laws. The more stressed out she was, the more she smoked. As a result, she ordered Nicorette by the gross so she always had it on hand. In honor of today's class, she currently had about 8 pieces in her mouth...and the smell of smoke was wafting from the kitchen...

After 10 minutes of tearing the place apart, Ethel found her shoes in Lucy's favorite corner, strapped them on and walked into the ballroom. After another 20 minutes, the new students were finally inside and ready to start. Jose and Ethyl decided to split the group in half and start with the basics. By the time everyone was ready to go the 45 minutes class was down to 10 minutes. Lucy gave a deep exhale and settled into her pillow knowing nothing bad could happen in 10 minutes. She was wrong.

After 5 minutes of the basic shuffle-step, slap-step, Nana Ming had decided to try out her old moves. Ethel thought the her cane would work great as a prop and to add some additional flare to her moves. Nana Ming also had the hots for Fred and wanted to impress him. Well, as Nana was trying to shuffle off to Buffalo, it turns out that her cane was best used for support and not for flare. She crashed to the ground. Everyone came running to help her! Lucy scrambled off her pillow and helped ease Nana with some kisses until the ambulance could get there. While the EMT's loaded her into the ambulance, Nana Ming was flirting with them and singing "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy".

Cher jumped into the ambulance with Nana Ming and they raced off to the hospital.

After a thousand appologies from Ethel to everyone, they loaded the group back onto the buses and sent everyone back to the home.

"I think that went well," said Gladys.

Lucy walked over to Ethel's sparkly tap shoes and peed in them.

Create a photo slideshow

Random Blogging

Well, since Jennifer and Don are so good at updating their blog, I thought I'd do something to mine. But since most of you follow me on facebook (the 3 followers I have) then you already know what's going on in my life.

I've decided not to go through the interview process at Delta Airlines and continue to torture myself in NJ. That being said, there's a method to the madness. I am planning on having Lasik surgery in February and want to make sure that I have the time and money to do it then. If I stay on track here then I know it will get done.

I've applied to be a carhop at Sonic!!! So excited for the possibility to rollerskate at work! I'm pretty much just going to live my life for the fun of it and not for the money. I'm filing bankruptcy this spring and starting all over. Someday I'll be able to move out and have a place of my own again, but right now it's not an option financially.

2011 is going to be a year of reality for me. My goals will all be realistic. I'm aiming to lose 3 lbs per month for a total of 36 lbs in 2011. I think this is reasonable and it's not a "DIET" it's a SLOW change in eating habits. My rewards will be jewelery to myself. On the first of the month I will see if I am down those 3 lbs and buy myself something pretty and shiny. I will pick out a piece of jewelery that is my goal for the month. One the first of the following month I'll buy it if I lost the 3 lbs. If I lose more...even better!

I'm hoping to make a trip to Houston this year to see Jen, Don, Josh, Megan, Willow, Max and Cotton as well as my other friends down there. It's been too long since I've seen everyone and I really miss them all.

Maybe the rodeo lineup will be awesome and I can swing down for a long weekend :)

In the meantime I'm healthy and looking forward to the end of this bullshit year! I know it's not realistic to hope all the drama and crap ends overnight from Dec 31st to Jan 1st, but there's always hope.

XOXOXOXOXO

Kenny GMA

Kenny on GMA

more kenny

more sound check

More sound check videos

VIDEOS!!!!!

I will now attempt to post the videos from GMA!...